Creepy Crawly Sound Effects, Volume 2

Months ago, I posted about one of the more annoying sound effects coming out of wintertime racing, and it’s taken me this long to write about sound effects again. Actually, the current issue of Runner’s World got me going on this.

Since they haven’t posted this on their website yet, here’s the text of a letter and response in the ‘Ask Miles’ section of the September issue (page 32):


"DEAR MILES: My running partner grunts and groans during a hard workout. What can I do? -Trey C,. Timonium, Maryland.

Short of using an iPod or finding a new partner, there’s only one thing you can do. Buck up, Trey, buck up. I’m not exactly sure why you’re annoyed, but I have a pretty firm stance when it comes to such matters related to physical activity. If you’re going to be a runner, part of the deal is that the sport comes with sweaty shorts, can’t-hold-it-cramps, oozing blisters, and the occasional sound effect. You don’t like it? I recommend running faster so you don’t have to hear him. Or take up snorkeling."


OK, um, I guess that’s… wait a minute, that’s the LAMEST fucking advice I’ve heard coming out of that magazine in a long time. I always like the ‘make sure you drink water’ tip they manage to lay on you every other issue, like they just figured that out, but this little suggestion is so downright dumb and wrong and phoned in, I don’t even know where to begin. Oh, and just to be oddly insulting, the magazine printed an illustration of a grunting gorilla dressed as a runner next to the advice.

Did they actually imply it’s better listening to an iPod to drown out the ‘grunts and groans’? How rude is that? I’ll tell you, ruder than actually breaking the news to someone that they sound like the dinnertime soundtrack at the Rainforest Café. What if your loud running friend is, God forbid, wheezing through a medical condition? I guess we’re supposed to just clam up. Or perhaps ‘running faster so you don’t have to hear him’. That’s right, they suggested you could just leave them behind.

I’m sorry, ‘Miles’, or ‘Kay’ (in the European issue, probably), if you’re ‘not sure why… (we’re) …annoyed’ it’s because needless sound effects are, you guessed it, damned annoying. If I’m running with someone, they’re probably a friend, and friends tell you when there’s something hanging from your nose or when toilet paper is stuck to your shoe. And if you’re running comrade trusts you enough to keep their pace then they trust you enough to be constructively honest with them.

I may be cranky in prose, but in person (sorry to burst bubbles here), I’m not an asshole. I would never come out and tell someone to cut the unnecessary noise or else, nor would I avoid running with a good friend and give up on them just because they make annoying sounds. You can be tactful without pissing people off, ‘Miles’. Wet shorts, blisters and cramps come with the territory because you can’t always keep them from happening. You CAN control sound effects, such as vocalizing your respiration. And doesn’t all that sound take energy to create? Wouldn’t you rather redirect that energy to maximizing your run?

Enough of my rant (and don’t get me started on wannabe weight lifters at the gym who scream out on every single damn rep). Be nice to your running friends, gently let them know how to be better runners and help them clean up their act, they just might return the favor. Because stupid sound effects are frickin’ unnecessary.