Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Creepy Crawly Sound Effects, Volume 1





swish- us frickin’ crazy, so stop it!!! -swish

Yes, you got them at a two-for-one sale at Modell’s, along with a pair of equally objectionable, ghetto fabulous day-glo polyester basketball shorts. But do you have to wear those long nylon pants in every cold-weather race? Every time you take a step, that swishing noise emanating from your nether regions is so loud it can be heard in outer space. You’ve got headphones on, also? That figures. We’d like to drown the noise out, too.

And how do you like trapping all that sweat inside, next to your tightie whities? No, don’t answer that. But y'know, you really can get a cheap pair of long running pants made from some polartec/polyester moisture-wicking material. Really. They’re not always that expensive, and they’ll keep you warmer than those two tubes of Hefty Bag material rubbing against each other. Making lots and lots and lots of noise.

Friday, January 26, 2007

Marathon Madness, Pt. 1

OK, we thought we’d seen it all. ‘Mulletville’ at the mile 12 water station. SpongeBob SquarePants at Mile 19. Even a somewhat heavy drag queen dressed as a cheerleader, uh, waving us in at the finish line. But our friend Mindy from up north reports to us about the most disturbing sighting so far:

Mimes On Course:
"Yes mimes. MIMES. With makeup and striped outfits and berets. At mile 14 of the Tampa Marathon standing on course miming the "pulling of a rope" as in pulling the runners along. I really don't know what to say about this."

Yes, we don’t know what to say about that, either.



Thanks for the nightmares, Mindy!

Monday, January 22, 2007

Cleanup on Aisle Three!

The Manhattan Half Marathon was yesterday (19 degrees at the start!), and the adjective ‘crowded’ was an understatement. There were 4397 finishers, all squeezing through one lane of Central Park Drive. The first 15 minutes looked like the 5AM ‘opening of the doors’ at a Wal-Mart on Black Friday. Insane!

Well, to the NY Road Runners credit, we were warned. In her pre-race speech, Mary Wittenberg informed us that they would be experimenting with corrals and separate starts to relieve congestion in future races. That was very good news to get right before the elbowfest for which we were about to receive. Of course, the usual suspects of slow runners with iPods got right up front, so it was the usual delightful traffic jam. Hey, come to think of it, here’s a way of relieving congestion: how about corralling the runners wearing headphones?

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

“Ka-Ching!”-Go Marathon

Signed up for the Chicago Marathon yet? Thinking about it?

Well, it’s going to set you back $110. That’s ‘one hundred ten dollars and 00/cents’, in case you’re writing a check.

We’ve finished over twenty marathons, but never once had to pay more than 100 clams for the privilege of hearing somebody else’s family scream ‘you look great’ when you know you really, really don’t. Last year it cost $90 to run around Chicago in October… so why the inflation? With 45,000 participants coughing up that much, what gives?

Who knows…

Perhaps the organizers will impress us all on race day… but for starters, the race shirt better be made of some technical, space-age material that wicks away moisture at subatomic levels. If we find an XXXL, white cotton, short-sleeved ‘Beefy-T’ with a one-color logo designed by a 10-year old in the race packet, there’s going to be a riot.

Just sayin’!

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

The Old, The Not-So-Old, And The Just Plain Annoying… In The Way

Hey You!
You, up front! Take those headphones off, I’m trying to scream at you!

OK, here’s the scenario. You’re lined up in a race in the park along with 4000 other anxious runners. Right up front are about fifty fellow bib-holders hanging with the 5-minute mile former college track stars. Funny thing is, these fifty or so runners will be running 15-minute miles.

And guess what, you, the faster runners and practically everyone else are going to be slamming into or zigzagging around these idiots for at least ten minutes after the starting gun.

So why are these people with walkers and crutches up front? Well, they can’t be worried about their finish times, because there’s this little chip, see, that tells them their actual time when the results are posted. So are they basking in the glow of youth? Perhaps, but when they become speed bumps for the rest of us, the party’s over. The Tortoise and The Hare is a cute story to recreate, but there were only two runners in that race, not thousands.

So starting line folks, for your own safety and our own sanity, line up with runners of your pace. There’s a reason the organizers set up pace signs, despite the obvious lack of enforcement. Ever wonder why so many marathon organizers use a corral system? Yes, you.

Mission Statement Time

We’re just tired of reading running blogs with cheery topics ranging from ‘what I had for breakfast’ to ‘boy, I had a good workout today!’ We can’t remember breakfast, and we can’t imagine you or anyone else would care how far we ran at our lactate threshold today. Really. Don’t you have a life? Shouldn’t you be running instead?

However, due to the fact that running is so popular these days, and getting almost too popular, it’s time to publicly share the grumpiness. We used to think that runners were exemplary people, on a higher moral plane. We still like to think they are, but Darwinian reality is chipping away at our lofty expectations.

So this running blog will highlight some of the worst habits, situations and experiences we’ve encountered. Miserable experiences welcome.

Question: Does misery love company? Answer: Ever been to the finish line of a marathon?

Monday, January 15, 2007

Hello. We are currently under construction. However, very soon the laces will be tied and the rubber will hit the asphalt.

Expecting feel-good training advice on amateur America's favorite aerobic sport? We suggest you look elsewhere.