At The Race Expo

No, I’m not in Boston yet. But since I’ve been meaning to write about the types of people I see in the gym or at races, I decided it was just as fun to write about the types of people I see at every race expo. And if you don’t know what I’m talking about, next time you’re at an expo look around and you’ll see these folks coming toward you. It’s scary.

And I have to send out a real Sarcasm Alert on this one. I’ll probably alienate the rest of the people I haven’t alienated yet, but that’s what happens when you’re suffering from Marathon Taper Disorder. In the meantime, laugh with me (or at me, I don’t care) while I discuss the archetypes I notice at every race expo.

SuperDad
SuperDad is running another marathon, and he’s trained for it with expert precision. He’s wearing a clean Gap t-shirt and jeans, and a pair of spotlessly white trainers, and probably a backpack tied snugly in the front. His baseball cap from some Hawaiian marathon shows you he means business. Two steps behind him is Long-Suffering Wife, pushing a toddler in a stroller, followed by two more children white-knuckling it bigtime. Long-Suffering Wife has been to expos before, and she’s not going to complain to SuperDad about how fast he’s racing through the expo. She will stick with him through thick and thin, and will support and care for him if he gets injured, but she’ll sneak off to the ladies’ room to laugh quietly, if he does. Meanwhile, SuperDad is calculating the impact of running .03 seconds faster per mile and how it will affect his VO2 max threshold. There’s a vaguely frightening, steely glean in his eyes as he’s checking out the competition around him.

The Eurorunners
Jean-Luc and Ulrike flew in a few days ago for the marathon. They’ve been visiting every avant-garde museum in town, and regrettably, been exposed to American food. Jean-Luc is thin and bald and dresses in black Yamamoto knock-offs. He wears heavy, rectangular eyeglasses that only architects would know about. Ulrike is thin and small, and wearing black, too, but is a little more funky; she likes rectangular, black eyeglass frames as well. Her hair is short and dyed scarlet red, which you’d notice more were it not for the conspicuous navel piercing peaking out of her midsection, complemented by her sole accessory, a child’s purse from EuroDisney. Jean-Luc and Ulrike’s favorite race is the Berlin Marathon, despite what their grandparents said about the war. Oh, and they’d really like some techno, and a cigarette, right about now.

These Eurorunners love America, but not so much Americans. They think Americans are loud and pushy; ironically, at the expo Jean-Luc and Ulrike will loudly knock down a little old lady for a Clif Bar sample that will be quickly discarded once they get back to the hotel.

The Sample Whores
Speaking of samples, get out of the way! The Sample Whores are here, and today, and on no other day, will prisoners be taken. Though they come in many shapes and sizes, they will make their presence known through quiet body slams. Yes, the Sample Whores will commit crimes against humanity, all for a 1-inch slice of Powerbar or an unknown red liquid in a plastic shot cup. To them, the expo is a Thunderdome of Free Things, and woe be onto those unlucky enough to feel the sting of the elbow or the slam of the shoulder. Later, you’ll see them walking out, carrying plastic shopping bags laden with samples, like zombies in a glassy-eyed, hypnotic state.

The Codgers
The Codgers are a nice, retired couple, and they’ve done races in every state of the union. They’re pleasant people, and not in a hurry… because they’ve got race stories. LOTS of race stories, and if you’re willing to listen, you’re their best new friend. And their grandkids are all in school, and if you’ve got, say, three or four hours, they’d love to tell you all about the time their grandkids made a funny sign to hold up during the Bay to Breakers Race, ‘When was that Edna, ’94 or ’95?, ’94, I think. No wait, it was ’96, that was the year we had that funny cruise to the Juneau Marathon, I had to laugh. No wait, it was ’92, don’t you remember?’ And unbelievably, they’re carrying several hundred photos of all this with them.

The Codgers are wearing slightly out-of-date ‘official merchandise’ outfits from races they did in the late ‘80s. They like free samples, too, but before they mosey on over for the free stuff, they’ll converse with the very nice lady giving out the numbers with questions about… ‘how long ‘this’ marathon is, HA!’ And about the last race they did last month. And you’ll be behind them, forever waiting to get your number, too, as the stories of mirth go on and on and on.

Flip-Flop Dude
Just released from fraternity life, Flip-Flop Dude agreed on a dare made by a drunken frat brother at a mixer last year that he could ‘run 26 miles without hurling’. So now he’s running his first, and ‘this whole race thing sucks titties, and not in the good way’.

Flip-Flop Dude is wearing the standard uniform: flip-flops, XXXL cargo shorts, t-shirt with vaguely ironic logo, and baseball hat, brim scientifically calibrated to be parallel to the surface of the Earth. His girlfriend thinks he’s nuts to be even attending the expo, but now that he’s here, it’s ‘frickin’ awesome’. ‘Oh SHIT, their serving some beer, that’s what I’m talkin’ ‘bout, DUDE!’

The Track Team
Bored with conquering the state intramurals, The Track Team is here and ready to score gold against all these old people. The Track Team averages 130 pounds a runner, and thinks upper body weight is for loser football players, which come to think of it, is redundant. They say they run as a team, but quietly hide seething contempt for their teammates. These runners roam in packs and make sarcastic asides about the expo and the old guys, especially the SuperDads. They’re NEVER going to be like that.

Pony-Tail Girl
She’s thin, she’s blonde, she’s single, she’s a career girl! Not long out of college, she’s spent months on that treadmill in the gym, getting ready for the marathon. She’s Pony-Tail Girl, and not a hair is out of place. Of course, she’d run outside, but the weather is not good for that trace of makeup she applies before mounting the treadmill every day at 5:45AM. She’s single-minded, and showing no fear. And she’s immaculate but… not quite perfect. But she’d LOVE to be just like the robot girl in that third Terminator movie. Those girls with fiancés, you know, the ones she sees in the locker room every morning, are going to hate her when she tells them about how easy the marathon was. It won’t actually be easy, but she’ll never admit it.

And in all fairness, there’s one more:

CrankyRunner
This punishment glutton has been to lots of expos, and thinks he’s seen it all. While scoping out the crowd, he makes silent, sarcastic comments to himself and the habits of others. And while perusing the booths representing foreign races, he makes a mental note about running marathons in far-off places, which he never does. He chides the Sample Whores and then wonders where the samples are, and then balks at the high prices of official merchandise. Later, he is kicked in the back of the leg by SuperDad on the way to a seminar, and waits in line for ten minutes to buy a power gel while The Codgers relate some funny story to an exhausted temp cashier about the port-a-johns in Kona. Later, The Track Team run him over as he leaves the expo. But CrankyRunner is too busy to notice, he’s getting nervous about actually having to run yet another 26.2-mile race. ‘Why does he keep doing this to himself?’ he asks. Too late to ask now, obviously.