Last Friday was Good Friday, and I made my way to the pool for the fifth day in a row. Since it was a holiday for many local schools, the pool facility did not have its usual gaggle of screaming, larval New Yorkers in the shallow, blocked off, end. However, the AARP members who hit around mid-morning were in full force, with no Lisa Lisa in sight (an obscure and poor ‘80s cultural reference, I know). So I found myself in the shorter lanes, just doing the time to fit the crime. And I picked a lane right next to a sweet-looking 10-year-old little lady who had the day off from school while daddy (who worked at the pool) kept an eye on her.
Like me, she was doing 1-2 laps and stopping at the pool ends each time to assess her progress. More accurately, I was stopping to get some air, she was stopping to sigh heavily about the burdensome weight of life in the fourth grade and a ‘this-is-so-ten-minutes-ago’ completion of another lap. Then her sighs started getting more anxious, more like ‘I’m bored out of my mind, and I’d kill anybody here for a Hannah Montana download’. But soon I realized her boredom was getting converted into a desire to beat me, Grandpa Simpson, to the end of the pool.
I picked up on this as soon as I arrived at the end and looked over to see her looking benignly in my direction. ‘Oh, is that what’s going on here?’, I thought. And I looked back. She turned and dived. Then I knew it was ON.
So I made my way back, and Little Miss Sunshine decides to stop mid-pool to, well, just stop to check her goggles, and screw with my head. Hmmmm. I thought to myself: ‘that little swimming cap is hiding three 6’s, or maybe just a ‘665’, cause you ain’t all THAT, half a Miss Thang’. Underwater, a ‘snap’ could be heard.
I stopped the Tyler Perry show then and there and decided to get a little more focused. We took off down the pool. I’m counting my strokes, I can hear ‘Ride of the Valkyries’ on an 8-track in my head, with program clicks, and I make it. And Abigail Breslin, or that bee girl in the Blind Melon video, or whatever the hell she is, is already taking off. Dive! Dive!
We make it back about the same time, and I act like I have NO IDEA she is there. And she acts like she can barely float her ass in the pool, she’s so bored. But she sees me, and I see her, and our sweet looks at each other say it all: next time, you are toast.
I exit the pool (I don’t need a ladder, missy). I shoot her another look that says: ‘I’ll see you later in these pool lanes, little girl. And that’s when you’re going down.’
Yes, I know what you’re thinking, this is how a grown man trains for a triathlon. I swear it’s from the lack of oxygen in the pool.
Yeah, right.
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6 comments:
I'd like to see a face off between Claire's 70-year old trail nemesis and this Bee girl.
This was one of my most favorite posts of yours Cranky. Swim on my friend, swim on.
p.s. Where IS the Cult Jam these days?
My friend, you have become a swimmer. That is what keeps ALL of us going, or at least me anyway. Sometimes when I pass a geriatric while I'm kicking and they're swimming, I have the urge to give them a wedgie and then kick away because THEY'LL NEVER CATCH ME!
Mindy: Noooo! Please! No one wants to see Grandpa in a speedo!!!!!!! Ouch! My imagination!
a 10 year old nemisis, coming from an age group swimming backround those younger kids are brutal, seriously they can be pretty competitive. I mean it might not be uncommon for an 8 and under to sabotoage a rival's gogles or spit gum in their competition's swim cap. On the plus side it did give you some speed work.
Thank you all. And thanks for calling me 'a swimmer', Claire, flattery will get you everywhere.
For the sake of brevity, I left out the part where L.M.S. noticed I had a pair of flippers on, got out of the pool, and got herself a pair to even the stakes. Upon returning, she mistakenly got into MY lane for a little while until she saw my 'oh no, she didn't' glare from the other end. So the saga was a little longer than I let on, but you got the gist of her evil plan...
This is the funniest swim workout report I've ever read - hope to hear of more battles between you and little miss sunshine!
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