Three Stupid Questions and... Some 'Responses'

1. “How long is this marathon?” (as in: ‘marathon’ could only mean ‘really, really long time’ and race organizers come up with some random long-ass distance, or worse, runners just run a lot for a few hours, because ‘it’s like so fun, dude’)

OK, race distances vary, but come on, it’s the marathon. There are several responses to this exceedingly lame ‘water cooler/local weather discussion’-type question.

“42.19 kilometers.” - True enough, but make them feel even more stupid (Americans!) for not remembering how to mentally convert kilometers to miles. If they’re still stumped, start quoting acres and hectares.

“62.2 miles” – Easy, just switch around the numerals! How the hell do they know? And if they do know the real answer, ask them why they frickin’ asked in the first place. Otherwise, it’s shock and awe.

“Until I…” – And create some creepy, fictitious, rambling story about a personal experience that has them nervously edging for the door. ‘Once I was at mile 17, and I felt a rumble around like, my spleen, and then I started to feel queasy, but instead of hurling I went into some catatonic dream where I saw you eating a hot dog and a donut and then suddenly I was like Linda Blair with green Gatorade coming out of my…’ You get the idea.


2. “What was this race for?” (as in: nobody could possibly travel on foot, or exercise for longer than five minutes without doing it for charity or fund-raising)

OK, we thank everyone who comes out and completes long walks and races for cures and social issues, you folks do admirable work raising money and awareness. But sometimes, some of us actually run not just for altruistic reasons, but because it makes us healthier, and hopefully, we feel better. Raising money for the right cause is great, it’s just not the only reason to get your butt out on the road. Question: if everybody ran, or got some exercise every day, wouldn’t we be healthier overall, and maybe develop fewer health ‘problems’ to have to walk for? Well, we’ll leave that alone, because there are many uncured diseases that walking/running can’t fix, but you get what we’re talking about. Just wondering. Anyway, back to the snarky answers:

“The Human Fund” – A nice tip of the hat to George Costanza, circa mid-90s.

“The Lohan Center for Crack Research” - Shows how current you are with entertainment news, and that you really care about those less fortunate starlets now in rehab.

“Race to Bring Back The Cure” – When was the last time you heard Robert Smith and The Cure on the radio? Why, U-2 has been around since the 80s, too, why can’t we hear more hits from the group that gave us ‘The Love Cats’, ‘Let’s Go to Bed’ and more appropriately ‘The Walk’? This gothic 5 miler raises money to resurrect this seminal new wave band back to overpriced rock stadiums and weepy reality TV. The goodie bag includes eyeliner, mascara, mousse, and a technical black t-shirt that says ‘Piss Off, Depeche Merde’.


3. “Didja finish?” (as in: ‘I am so stupid, I have to ask you that after months of training, you could possibly not want to finish, right?’. Or worse, ‘tell me you hurt yourself and couldn’t finish and then I can share in your pain while barely disguising my personal glee because we all know it’s not right to run that far’. Well, we’ve covered this one in a previous post, but it’s time for some real-world answers to this idiotic question.)

(Blank Stare) – Then slap your forehead, show a look of incomprehensible realization, turn around and run away or out of the room as fast as you can. Holy crap, I forgot to finish, thank you SO much!

“Yep, finished six hours ago. The race took me 14 and a half hours. Got home, showered, baked a cake, came to work.” - Yes, the old ‘nonchalance’ answer from you, the local bionic runner. Certain ultramarathoners could probably say this and not be lying, so keep the civilians guessing about the length of ‘this’ marathon too, and make it sound like something you do everyday, which means you always finish. And what did YOU do today?

“Finish what?” The race. “What race?” The one you were in. “I wasn’t in a race” I thought you said you were in a race. “Oh, that race” Didja finish? “What race?” continue this conversational loop until THE END OF TIME. This is called answering stupidity with blind stupidity. Hey there’s a cause, The 10K to End Stupidity! Something tells us it would take a lot longer than 10K, or a marathon… depending on how long that is.


...So the next time you get this wonderful trifecta from a co-worker or family member (and they really should know better), instead of consecutively answering ’26.2 miles, me, and yes’, enjoy yourself by giving creative answers. You ran all that way, and they didn’t, so have some fun. Lovingly, of course.