Dear America,
We are happy to report to you some late-breaking news from Beijing, not just the capital of The People’s Republic of China, but the place where America shows how humbly victorious it is during our coverage of the greatest sporting event of your or anybody else’s lifetime.
Michael Phelps loves Chinese food!
Can you believe it? What? YOU like Chinese food, TOO? Get out of here! Wait, don’t, Michael Phelps just said something!
Michael Phelps, you are SO funny! You’re mining comedy gold now, Dude! Wait, wait, what’s on your iPod? Whatcha listening to? Huh?
Damn, you rock.
We saw you win another gold medal with some other guys. I hope they’re American! Not like those mean jerks from… France. You showed them! We could teach them a thing or two about freedom, right? You tell them to come to New York City, U.S.A. and kiss Lady Liberty’s ass! What, they sent that to us? Uh, but we paid them for it, right? Uh, well, uh…. Shut up!
So Michael Phelps, whatcha doin’? You are just awe-… wait, somebody else just got into the pool. Hey, get out, Michael Phelps might want to swim, did you think about THAT?
And then there’s 41-year-old Dara Torres. She’s ANCIENT. Not like you, Michael Phelps. But she’s inspirational, that 41-year-old Dara Torres. So maybe we’ll talk to her in a minute…
But wait! Michael Phelps, did you just say something? Six more to go! You can do math, too?
Damn, Michael Phelps!
Hey Michael, did we mention you better not screw it up?
5 comments:
When I tire of all the Michael Phelps talk I go and find an NFL-related show so that I can catch up on Brett Favre's latest antics. FYI - he had a bagel for breakfast with low-fat cream cheese. No word yet on whether it was a whole wheat bagel or plain.
THANK YOU. The day I posted this, NBC showed 'a typical day in the life of Michael Phelps' and right off the bat, he's going to eat at his favorite Chinese restaurant. I laughed and laughed.
And yes, the Favremania has been ridiculous, too, even Jon Stewart made fun of CNN reporting 'breaking news' about Mr. Favre just getting off of an airplane. Honestly...
I'm surprised we didn't have live coverage of the US men's gymnastic team's post medal ceremony drinking binge, Phelps on the can, did he do a 1 or a 2? a 2 damn that boy's a champion... wait they're going to send Phelps back in time to school Mark Sptiz in his prime...oh man what will those guys at the Michael Phelps network...I mean NBC think of next.
Personally I hope some underdog takes him after he ties Spitz's record.
I like that you Americans can laugh about America too :) (at least once a while)
Nice post!
Clearly you haven't been watching closely, because those of us who have not gotten up off the couch all week know that Michael Phelps has eaten nothing but pizza since he got to Beijing. Don't knock him if you don't have all the facts, jerk! We should declare war on YOU.
And Michael Phelps might be a goofy-lookin' guy with a wall eye, dumbo ears, and crowded teeth who never closes his jaw all the way, but at least he's not as ugly as that French asshole. That french guy looks like he's got a tiny little shrunken head and gigantic RABBIT teeth. And I think he's balding. Not like our gracious champion, Michael Phelps. Michael Phelps loves his mom. Bernard loves SATAN.
So, Mr. I-can't-swim-4-times-across-the-pool-without-stopping, you lay off of Michael Phelps, or we'll send Micheal Phelps to slather you in BBQ sauce and eat you whole!
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