Since I became more confused the more I read (sort of like reading Proust, without the madeleines and espresso), I decided I could probably write something equally obtuse and grand. So now I give you my very own bike description, it’s Institionalized’s BitchSlappa F-Yawl-2…
Institionalized’s BitchSlappa F-Yawl-2
From the folks who brought you the iconic BitchSlappa F-Yawl comes the F-Yawl-2! New and improved, Institutionalized has done it again! Biking will never be the same. In fact we’re not going to call it biking anymore, we’re just going to call it ‘slappin’!
Your friends will have no choice but to worship and build postmodern edifices to your omniscient greatness as you crush their dreams on our space-age construction of hardon, titanic, carpathium, and inanium. The fork itself is a wonder of science, bringing together NASA-developed technology and Cold War-era erector sets into the 21st century. The front derailleur is manufactured in Estonia using Tupper Laboratories ‘Burp-Less’ vacuum-packing, while the rear derailleur is, well, we can’t even tell you because it’s top-secret and we just won’t let the terrorists win. Let’s just say: “Fission Accomplished”!
The seat rests atop a post created from state-of-the-art anti-matter, making for a smooth-ass ride and providing sub-molecular derriere travel. And 71 cogs (a prime number!) will have you smoking the competition on those hills. Hey, what hills? What you talkin’ ‘bout? And the rims on the wheels? Damn, you’ll be on board faster than you can say ‘Vitamin Water stock split’!
Drive your enemies from their homes!
Watch them die slow, painful deaths from envy!
Hear the lamentation of their women!
Handelbar tassles optional.
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The audio portion of today’s program is provided by Macy Gray. I’ve never been a big fan of husky-voiced Amazon messes (well, RuPaul may be an exception), but Macy lets it all hang out on this one. I laughed at first, then I realized she’s probably being serious. Then I laughed some more.
Macy Gray – Slap a Bitch
And now the video portion of today’s post. I don’t advocate the taking of drugs, but if you have any, you might think about doing it during this rapturous, Slavic presentation.
4 comments:
You're forgetting about the gyroscope calibrated steering that would turn the most trecherous s-curve into a drag strip, brakes made of elements we haven't even posted on the perodic table that will send you from 35mph to 0 in .05 sec, and a crank cassette package so light a sumo wrestler could out ride Lance....
ok enough of my bike ludacrisness aside, just find a bike that has everything you need, fits you and your budget well ( I'm assuming somewhere in the $2k-$5k range)and don't worry about all the little scientific gadets and do-hickeys afterall at the end of the day a bike is a bike.
where can I buy your bike? I assume its constructed on Plum Island???
The video has a German subtitle but it's amazing black/white quality makes it impossible to read the white letters. Great way to confuse people.
oh by the way...good luck finding a bike.
But what about the bottle cages?! How are the bottle cages going to make me faster?! And the hubs? You didn't say anything about the hubs!
I'm a little bit disturbed by the video...
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