I didn't have a chance to properly thank R.B. for the puppetacular vision of Satan, pictured here. R.B. stands for, well, Running Bitch, and she's gone by that name for quite a while. Lovingly, of course.

So thanks again to R.B., who knows how to look fresh and perky near the end of a marathon, and for that, we'd like to ask her to cut that out!

4-Miler on Saturday

We ran the Al Gordon 4-Miler Saturday in Central Park. It was 20 degrees, but whatcha gonna do about the weather? Water stations turned into ice stations. 20 degrees is a heat wave in some places, so we'll shut up.

There were the usual suspects, Mr. Nylon Pants, Head Phone Boy, Elbow Kid cutting you off. There were two starts, men at 8, women at 9. Good to see almost as many women running as men. Don't see that very often.

Oh well, nice to start a race and be home, all in one hour. Still don't really like those super-short distances, though. We had to run 2 hours yesterday just to get back in the groove.

Did we mention that Al Gordon is 105 years old, and was at the post-race awards ceremony? Don't let non-runners tell you running is in any way 'bad for you'. We know better.

"Didja Finish?"

Today's crankiness is from our pal Mindy. Since we often seem to vent on the dippiness of other runners, we'd like to vent on the civilians for a change. You know, the people who ask 'How long was this marathon?' or my favorite, 'How long was the 5K?' We runners don't expect non-runners to be clueless, we just wish they wouldn't be stupid. Oh well, as John-Paul Sartre once said, 'Hell is other people'.

Take it over, Mindy:

"What is the deal with the co-worker who asks you after the biggest marathon of your life that you spent countless weeks training for.... "Didja finish?" I'm sorry, did I - did I what? What did you just ask me!? I feel like ABC is to blame. You know, the unforgettable scene from the Ironman (JM on YouTube) with Julie Moss crawling to the finish line around midnight, incontinent, blind, mumbling. That image is somehow seared into the brain of every Wide World of Sports-Watching fanatic out there. And it's bad for business!"

Venti Doppio Soymilk Marathon Latte with a Gel Shot

Yeah, we know Starbucks is pricy for what you get. For years we’ve been trained, in a cheery, Pavlovian way, to caffeinate ourselves for $5.50 a pop. Next guest!

But hey, do marathon organizers really have to price their races like we’re just a bunch of quad-stretching, hamstring-ignoring, mindless runner-lemmings?

Yes, Chicago hit $110 this fall, but NYC just cracked a whopping $150. That’s $90 if you’re in the NYRR, or $120 if not, plus a $10 processing fee, plus the $20 bus to get you there, plus a $35 chip deposit, plus anything else we were too ticked off to notice on the website. Oh, and if you’re from anywhere outside the U.S., admission starts at $175. And that includes Puerto Rico. There are more Puerto Ricans living in New York than there are in Puerto Rico, so maybe they saw this coming before the rest of this.

And I seem to remember from some ancient economics class that higher demand brings prices down. With the total marathon crowd approaching 40,000, that’s not the case.

Don’t get me wrong, the NYRR and ING put on a fine, unforgettable marathon with the best crowds anywhere. But Mr. Satan has been down this road (literally) seven times, and he remembers back when it cost the same to take a taxi as it did to run from Staten Island to Tavern on the Green.

So the price has doubled in the last ten years, along with the size of the crowd. Guess I’ll order a frickin’ double frapp and shut up.

Next guest!

L'Eggs Support

It was 19 degrees at the Bronx Half Marathon a week ago. What did we see? Some runners with shorts on.

I’m sorry, but it’s frickin’ COLD out there. Unless you can show me your Polar Bear Club membership card, you’re a freak to wear thin polyester running shorts in sub-freezing temperatures. And years ago, we saw a clearly psychotic man run shirtless in a 15-degree 10-miler in the park. That took nerve, but it also took a supreme lack of common sense. Running therapy on lane 3!

People, people… keep yourselves warm and covered up, you don’t have to dress like the Michelin Man just to clock a few miles. We know your tough, and if it doesn’t kill you, it just makes you stronger, but it’s killing us to see your runner legs turning red from the initial stages of frostbite. Dress as if it’s 10-15 degrees warmer than the actual temperature, and you’ll be fine.

And in case you’re wondering, the Polar Bear Club is a group of NYC (and from elsewhere, we believe) area ‘swimmers’ who like to jump into the freezing Atlantic off Coney Island for the local media every January, proving once again that the end of days must not be so far off after all.

Hoglike Behavior at Mile 13.13

Ever finish a race and seen somebody load up on the freebies and food? Last Sunday was the Bronx Half Marathon, and we noticed one runner leaving the race with four whopper bagels in tow. And no, three hungry runners weren’t waiting for food nearby, the bagel thief who decided to get some ‘takeout’ was on the subway heading home.

So why can’t people share the post-race water/Gatorade/apples/bananas/bagels/whatever with other runners? What if they run out of bagels after Mr. Selfish decided to swipe some for friends and family? Really!

Far be it for us to speak of bad karma, but like wearing a race shirt for a race you didn’t run, something tells you not to do it. Golden rule time, people.

So share the goodies, because slower runners are, you guessed it, running longer than you, and they might actually need some of that post-race food and drink more than you do.

And if the slower runners don’t come back, we won’t have anyone’s ass left to kick!

Cheeses Crisis Code!

Yes, when there’s six layers over your face alone, you can’t even understand what you’re saying to yourself. It’s been somewhat cold in the northeast and midwest, you may have noticed.

Check the calendar. Who can be cranky when it’s the dead of winter? Not Mr. S. and his minions, even though we much prefer the relative warmth of hades. And you can jump on an evil treadmill, if that’s your pleasure (we’ll save The Treadmill Wars topic for later).

So what can you do when you just want to get a nice 45-minute run in and it’s frickin’ nine degrees outside? Dress for success. Remember, you can compensate by wearing enough to run a fast 7-minute mile in the cold, but try compensating for the weather when it’s 90 degrees in July. It may be cold, but your tongue isn’t hanging out after the run, like it is in mid-summer. During the winter the only real problem is sweaty polyester drying out in your bathroom for the rest of the day, along with larger loads of laundry.

But have you noticed that the days are getting longer? Isn’t that nice?

See, Satan wants you to keep running, even when the weather is kinda suckalicious. The Great Deceiver has a sunny side after all.

Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha !


P.S. Our friend R.B. has outdone herself and found a felt version of Satan to share with the rest of the class. Thanks, R.B.! Watch out for an embarrassing picture here sometime soon…

Bitch is crazy!